DOING LOVE DIFFERENTLY:
HOW TO STOP THE CYCLE OF SELF BETRAYAL, LEARN TO TRUST YOURSELF AGAIN, AND ATTRACT LOVE INTO YOUR LIFE
After the second year of doing my You Asked? Good Men Answered! Summit, I had a realization. While it was great to hear how much the summit was enjoyed and what a great job I had done putting it all together, in my follow up workshops, it was as if the ladies hadn't heard a word that the speakers said.
I found this puzzling. Didn't we all listen to the same speakers? Didn't we all have shared excitement over what was said? Didn't we post in the comments what they said that was eye-opening?
It's taken a few years to study this. Five, to be exact. What is abundantly clear is despite our shared listening, shared enthusiasm and shared aha's, there wasn't shared transformation.
As a result, year after year, I found myself fielding the same questions and giving the same pep talks to ladies stuck in an unaltered mindset that kept leading them down the same path of confusion.
Comparisonwise, of the women and men who have sought me for life and relationship coaching, without fail, those who were ready and whose hearts were open have contacted me, written me, direct messaged me or texted me to tell me they are dating a good man or they've married one.
What's the difference between those who attended the summit and those whom I coached?
WHAT IS YOUR TYPE?
TAKE THE RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIOR QUESTIONNAIRE AND FIND OUT
I'll tell you! In my conversations with individuals about love, especially women, one word has come up over and over again: HOPE. I hope it happens for me, one day. I hope things change. I hope I meet Mr. Right. Suzette, your story makes me hope again. Hope.
I'm going to make a pretty radical request. I want you to turn off hope. I want you to turn off hoping that you'll meet Mr. Right, hoping that your Boaz will find you, hoping God will send a God-man and hoping to experience true love one day. I want you to turn it off, unplug it, put it in the closet and lock the door.
Hope is one of the laziest and overused words in the single woman's dating lexicon. Hope requires nothing of you and does nothing for you. In fact, hope wants to get paid for doing absolutely nothing. And hope makes promises that it doesn't keep.
Instead, I want you to turn on DOING. Doing does what hope never will. It works on your behalf.
Now that hope is locked in the closet, let's give DOING an assignment.
"If you do what you always do, you'll have what you always have." I didn't want the copyright police to come after me so I Googled who first said. Jesse Potter wrote these famous words back in 1981. The litmus test is 38 years later these words are just as true.
That's the reason why you've got to DO LOVE DIFFERENTLY. In order to do love differently, however, you have to do 3 things:
Websters and Dictionary.com have their definitions of what VOICE, VALUE AND VISION mean, but I have my own:
It's YOU expressed in words. Your essence. Your verge. Your dash. Your way of looking at things. Your way of being in the world. Silencing not only erases your voice. It erases you.
It's YOU expressed in currency. It's what it costs to access you. While worth is what someone is willing to pay, the value you put on yourself is yours alone.
It's YOU recognized. And it's You recognizing what's yours. It's both the dreamer and the dream. It's bigger than you! It might be quiet for a while, but it's going to woo you again.
You see, I tried to shake it. I tried to adopt the advice and opinions of those around me. I tried to lose myself in God so my God-man could find me. I tried to put cute clothes on and go the club, saying to the world that was single and ready to mingle. I tried to adopt the vibe of the dating world and behave as if I didn't want what I so desperately wanted. I tried. But when I'd come home to a lonely apartment and rest my head on my pillow, tears would stream down my face.
"I hate being single," I whispered. "Stop trying," whispered back.
I'm going to ask you to do something else pretty radical. You ready? I want you to stop trying to "act" single when you know that you don't want to be.
RADICAL REQUEST #1
TURN OFF HOPE, UNPLUG IT, PUT IT IN THE CLOSET AND LOCK THE DOOR
RADICAL REQUEST #2
STOP TRYING TO "ACT" SINGLE WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE
There's a saying. "If you do what you always do, you'll have what you've always had." I didn't want the copyright police to come after me so I Googled who first said it. They traced it back to Jesse Potter, 1981. That's good enough for me.
If any limiting belief, ideology, disconnect or story has kept your from what your heart desires, you've got to do something different. This includes someone else's idea of what "being single" is for you. You've got to disconnect, disavow, distance and all the other disses from it. I call it removing the L.I.D.S.
Familiar to those who have attended my Enough Factor Webinar, these culprits are the issue. Not men! Not even you! These are beliefs you've been fed a heaping helping of from adults behaving poorly. And these adults have built family traditions, cultures, communities and countries. They have shaped our world view, our self view and our love view.
That's the reason why you've got to DO LOVE DIFFERENTLY. Otherwise, these conditioned responses will sabotage your efforts.
Now to the crux of the matter. How do you stop the cycle of self betrayal, learn to trust yourself again and attract love into your life?
YOU HAVE TO:
- Identify where the self betrayal happened. I don't want you to go to the familiar it's his fault blah blah blah. Rather, I want you to turn that search light on yourself. Where did YOU betray yourself?
- Look at missed trust. Look back at the opportunities missed to trust yourself.
- Retrain what you're attracted to. If you were conditioned to be attracted to Mr. Wrong, you can be conditioned not to be.