Holidays are a time of love, at least on the Hallmark Channel, but not for Straight Wives. For Straight Wives, holidays are only a reminder of what they don’t have.
When asked by Bonnie Kaye, an expert on Gay Husbands, author of multiple books on the subject and the voice that kept me sane while I was discovering the truth about my gay ex, what advice I’d give to straight wives to help them cope on Valentine’s Day, I told her, “I had none.” If Straight Wives can learn to cope with being married to a man who will never love them romantically, then they’ll stay with a man who will never love them romantically. That’s no life.
Finding out your husband is gay is getting a prognosis that your marriage is terminal. Getting a card, chocolates or flowers on Valentine’s Day does not change the prognosis.
My advice was:
(1) Feel your feelings. Don’t try to avoid them. It’s the avoiding of them that reinforces the denial that makes you stay.
(2) Own your feelings. Don’t try to explain them or blame your gay husband for them. They are your feelings. If you feel sad, then you simply feel sad. I know it is tempting to blame your gay husband. But please understand that as long as you blame him, you’ll never discover your own power to transform your life and your relationship.
(3) Honor your feelings. Don’t fall for the rope-a-dope! Just because you aren’t upset anymore or those feelings of frustration have passed doesn’t make them any less legitimate. That’s why you should honor your feelings and, even if you can’t leave immediately, begin to plan your jailbreak.